Can you change your personality? I tried for a year.

Here's what I learned.

Are there parts of your personality you wish were different?

Perhaps, like me, your introversion has held you back professionally and personally (perhaps a cherished friend has called you ‘socially lazy’, too); or maybe you’re a bit of a slacker who’d like to be more organised, or perchance a psychopathic serial killer who could use a touch more empathy. We all have parts of ourselves we’d like to change.

Well, why not? Personality is influenced by environment at least as much as genetics, and it often changes after life events like marriage. There are studies showing that interventions like coaching apps can change people’s personalities, at least a little bit, and that personality can differ between contexts, like being more conscientious in the gym and more extraverted in a café.

I can remember times in my life where my personality has been different. I was more extraverted when I was younger, surrounded by friends and full of optimism, and an alcoholic. Surely there’s a skill element to it, too? I used to be terrified of public speaking, in those early days having to take the advice of an older, rosy-cheeked colleague and chugging some vodka in the toilets before going on-stage, but now public speaking comes naturally to me and I need barely any vodka beforehand. Perhaps I could have the same kind of growth in extraverted behaviours like talking to strangers. Perhaps, perhaps, I could fake it ‘til I make it.

So, I tried. I kept a daily diary (distilling over 21,000 words here) and tracked my personality at the end of each month, scoring myself relative to a normative dataset of thousands of Brits.

But first, I had to decide on the parts of my self that needed landscaping the most. I’m content with my levels of openness (not so open-minded that my brain falls out), agreeableness (nice and low just as it should be) and conscientiousness (I tracked my personality across a year, didn’t I?) - but I’d always wanted to be more extraverted and less neurotic. You can only have strangers call you uptight so many times before it starts to take a toll (especially if you are, in fact, uptight).

In truly anal fashion (the psychological kind), I identified eight specific traits I wanted - more assertiveness, friendliness, activity, gregariousness, and cheerfulness, and less immoderation, anger and self-consciousness. In essence, I wanted more good vibes and less bad.

Here’s how it went -

Three things stand out.

Firstly, I changed my personality (hooray). I certainly got more assertive, gregarious and cheerful over the year. More on exactly how I did that below.

Secondly, I guess I’m actually not as self-conscious or angry as I thought (what an IDIOT). For the first set of questions, I answered based on how I viewed myself in general, but for the following set it was based on my actual behaviour for that month.

It’s all a matter of perspective. During the year, I had a client say it was fun to work with me because I’m so outgoing and fun (although in fairness, he did work with data scientists). Meanwhile, a former student said she just assumed I was an extravert, that I seemed like the kind of guy who would drink coffee. When I think about it, I actually am extraverted in some ways - I always try to make people laugh, I’ve gone into a whole career based on influencing others, and I don’t always hold back my opinions (and believe me, I probably should (ask my colleagues (actually, don’t))).

Thirdly, my personality fluctuated a lot based on my life at the time. I was immoderate around Christmastime, for example. But who isn’t?! My cheerfulness took a hit in the middle of the year due to some health concerns. And whose wouldn’t?

But here’s the rub - I had always assumed that neuroticism makes people overeat and that it causes poor health. But what if I had it backwards? As the science people love to say, correlation doesn’t equal causation. Maybe it’s not just that extraverts prefer to listen to pop music, spend time with friends, and go to the gym, but maybe pop music, friends, and the gym can make you extraverted. Maybe it’s not just that neurotic people like true crime, but maybe true crime makes you neurotic.

One study found that people’s amygdalae (their brain’s threat-processing centres) increased as a result of lockdown, and it’s well-documented that isolation and confinement lead to stress. Another study, a longitudinal one, suggested that more physical activity and less screen time results in children becoming more extraverted and less neurotic over time. Again, where I had assumed that extraverts like to exercise and neurotics like to stay indoors, perhaps exercise makes you extraverted and getting outdoors calms you down.

Take salespeople for example. Extraversion is linked to working in sales, and I’d always assumed that extraversion leads to salespersoniness. But what if working in sales makes you extraverted? Of course you’re going to be cheerful and gregarious if you spend your working day going to lunches and drinks and getting paid more for it than the people doing the actual work.

So without further ado, here’s how I changed my personality over the year - and how you can, too.

One of the fundamental changes was in my perspective - I started looking for the good. I made a conscious effort to be reward-sensitive and have an ‘approach mentality’, focusing on what would be enjoyable about an experience even if I was dreading it. An exhausting work project is an opportunity to learn interesting new things; a children’s birthday party is a chance to see my son in his element; and a grumpy clinician is a challenge to try and make someone laugh (she didn’t). Whereas work used to sometimes make me internally sigh, ‘I want to die’, I reframed it - the problem was I actually wanted to live, not die; I wanted to get outside and experience the rich tapestry of life (e.g., Birdworld).

I also learned that reward-seeking is like a muscle - to see the good in everything, you need to fill your life with good things. I made an effort to watch more comedy and laugh more. Goofing around and playing with my son brought overwhelming release to the stress and even the physical symptoms.

Likewise, I started to spend more time on meaningful and enjoyable pursuits, and less time staring at PowerPoints. A cartoonist’s book launch really brought home how empty and uninspiring my life has been. No one has ever told me, ‘Wow, I really loved your PowerPoint deck’; but my writing is something that brings joy. People have laughed over / at my writing since I was ten years old. I’ve always been good with words and whatnot.

I pruned my life of stuff that’s bad for the soul. How could I possibly be positive and relaxed if I’m hypnotised by the Serial Killers podcast in bed every night, or waking up and going straight onto X (formerly known as Twitter) to read about the coming financial crash / race war / digital dystopia? I also avoided doing anything that made me feel guilty (I found myself taking it out on those closest to me) and I always forgave people who had upset me. In short, I let go of bad juju.

Crucially, I had to reduce work stress too. I took a burnout quiz that told me to seek help immediately. I should have guessed - when work stress subsided, I’d stopped fantasising about a nuclear holocaust at night as a way to relax. One of the best weeks of the year was moving house - some might find that stressful, but I loved it, away from the screens and the bullshit jobs, spending time doing something physical with my family. Symptoms - tinnitus, floaters - went away that week.

They also went away when I exercised. A sedentary, screen-based life was sapping me of energy; it was making very ill. I realised all the happiest periods of my life have been when I was active. I joined a gym and I felt younger, happier, and more hopeful; getting physically stronger made me more assertive. Working out started to become the only way I could feel normal. I nearly broke down in tears by the kettlebells. I was overwhelmed by an unfamiliar feeling I later learned was ‘happiness’. My frames of reference were all messed up - ‘Wow, exercising is like a milder cocaine that lasts longer!’

Going for walks was a game-changer. It not only helped with my mood but was also so good for productivity that I’d get more done even though the walk took an hour out of the day. Like Superman, I also drew energy from being in the sun (N.B. not yet able to catch a speeding bullet). And you know who’s the best person to ask about cultivating a cheery disposition? Søren Kierkegaard:

“Every day, I walk myself into a state of well-being & walk away from every illness. I have walked myself into my best thoughts, and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it. But by sitting still, & the more one sits still, the closer one comes to feeling ill. Thus if one just keeps on walking, everything will be all right.”

Walking was part of a greater trend towards physical relaxation. I had a pain in my nether regions which troubled me for months, until I realised, I was sitting with my legs crossed so tightly that I was crushing my testicles. I relaxed my seating position, and the problem went away. Masseuses always comment on how stiff I am (in my shoulders I mean). I’ve since learned to take a deep breath and relax when I feel myself tensing up. Psychological studies have shown how our body influences our perceptions and mood; could I be uptight because I am literally up-tight? Maybe if I could relax my shoulders, I’d be a more easy-breezy person. A sound bowl meditation certainly did dissolve my physical symptoms - and so too did (and I know this won’t be popular) going to church on Sundays.

And it always helped to get out of my head. I don’t mean going on a crack- and heroin-fuelled bender (that’s not going to help, believe me); I mean focusing more on the world around you. As my wife was driving me around one day (she was learning to drive, okay), I started to feel overwhelmed with anxiety and a ringing in my ear; so I just started talking. ‘Oh look, that tree is green. Why are trees green? It’s chlorophyll, isn’t it? But what even is chlorophyll? Is there chloro-empty too, ha ha ha. Did I tell you I once knew a girl who was called Teresa Green.’ It really helped me to just ‘say what ya see’. My wife, hands gripped on the wheel, not so much.

Well, there you have it.

In sum, I don’t want to get too hippy woo-woo on you but it’s all about energy. Some things give you energy, and some take it away. Screens, work stress, junk food, and a sedentary, indoor lifestyle are draining; exercise, loved ones, meaningful work, and sunlight are energising.

It’s the end of my experiment, and I’m happier and healthier. I mean, you won’t find me at a networking event any time soon, but if I was forced to go to one, I wouldn’t hide in the bathroom, and that’s progress.

How about you - what would you change?